memories

As most of those know, at least those who know me well, know that i have the worst memory. I try diligently to remember things, but i always come up short.

Except for one thing.

I remember everything about the day we had our still born baby.

I remember the news from the ultrasound tech. I remember her coming in and numblessly asking me why i was there. I remember her bluntly saying, 'no, there are no fetal heart tones.'

I remember feeling like i had the air sucked out of my lungs.

I remember delivering her.

I remember our family all coming to hold her and spend a few minutes with her. 

I remember holding her and trying to memorize every inch of her because I knew it would be such a long time until I was able to see her again.

I remember her soft brown hair.

I remember the funeral home coming to get her and Corey having to take her out because I emotionally couldn't hand her over.

I remember laying in my bed watching Dumbo and not having a remote to change the channel and crying in my bed as Dumbo is taken from his mom.

 I remember leaving the hospital and riding down the elevator feeling so empty handed and even more empty hearted.

I remember coming home to our house and an empty freshly painted purple bedroom.

With all those memories, I also remember the sweeter side of things.

I remember the blessing that my dad gave me, because i was worried i wouldn't be able to stop crying at her funeral. 

I remember feeling such peace, and if I dare say-almost joy, on the day of her funeral.

I remember my testimony being strengthened of life after death and of eternal families.

I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my Savior.

I remember having the continual thought that my Heavenly Father was sad that we had to go through such a difficult time, but that he was sending help in so many ways.

I remember feeling so overwhelmed by the amount of people who came to our aid and help.

I am grateful for eternal families. 

I'm grateful that life doesn't end with death. 

I know our family will be whole again and be together. 

I'm grateful for my memories, good and bad, that have helped to strengthen me as a person. 

I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing us to grow even when it's hard.

we love and miss you.

 ps as i typed this, i feel like maybe i was too personal and gave too many detail. but sometimes it's good to remember.

bandelier national monument

we got another camping trip in right after school started. we headed to bandolier. it was very cool- kinda like mesa verde. we had a blast. we hiked, went to church, relaxed on sunday. it was a great trip.

 i was so impressed with how beautiful this area was. i had no idea NM had trees and mountains like these.

 kids having fun exploring around

 we hiked the frey trail. it was so much fun. a couple of miles, mostly with a down hill grade. very cool

 the kids loved exploring up the ladders and seeing the old indian homes.

 this kid was happy to get a big slice of watermelon. when it came down to it, i think he realized it was a lot harder to eat then he had anticipated.

 we found an amazing look out point. so pretty!

a little time

this little cutie and i get a little one on one time when the kids are at school in the morning.

i love it.

she is so sweet.

she loves making cookies with me.

 she also loves going to the park.

 we got to go to the school and have lunch with big brother. he was so excited to have us there.

what a fun time!